Growing up

Growing up takes some serious skill. How most adults make it past the age of twenty gets me every time I think of it.
Even though I don't want to admit it, I am growing up. It seems like as I grow a year, I gain yet another pound of gravity pushing on me, and yet another worry bow to tie onto my fingers.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I have run outta space on my fingers to tie bows.

You see readers, my friend died just recently. Before she could even become a good friend.

This wonderful girl I write of; was crazy, wore strange clothes, had long extensions, and was probably one of the nicest people I have ever met.

She always helped me whenever I needed it, told wild stories of what she did the night before, and one time- she gave me a bracelet.... I still have it.

Yet...

Every memory of her getting hurt in the first place is flooding back to me... I have jumped ship and am sinking.


~___________~

Readers you probably are confused as to why this is called "Growing Up," if she is well, past. It has something to do with the unfairness of it all... For instance, even though I know her death has nothing to do with me.. I wonder why wasn't it me? Why do I get the opportunity to grow up and she doesn't? Why did it have to be her? I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone... but, in my school her getting hurt in the first place was a serious reality check.
Was she the most popular person alive, that everyone knew and liked? No. She wasn't. But, she was still a person. A person, that I knew and liked, a person that didn't deserve all the pain and suffering that was bequeathed on her, a good person- that never would preform a harm on anyone... yet, was thrown into all of harms way.

~___________~

The funny thing is though (I cannot shake it outta my head), like so many other ninth graders, she barely made it through the year... And at the end of it, she let go of everything.
Maybe it is her way of breaking free from the fight...
But I dunno. All I do know is

:( I miss her. I miss the girl I never really got to know who was always smiling and so willing to to give me a bracelet right off her hand.

A Day To Watch Out For ?

Wearing zebra pants, a black shirt, and bow, I set off to the high school across the street. Improv and such was being practiced there, and I hadn't missed a day yet.

I walked into the building, not through the front door, but the side door, and with one blink I knew that three people- boys stood before me.... and two out of three were high as kites.
Giving them their greeting I kept moving, while one of the boys followed me and was repeatedly asking for my number. Not saying a word to him I entered the drama room where improv was being hosted.

I had forgotten about the weirdo that had followed me.

As soon as I entered the drama room I was happily surprised to hear the heys and hellos from everyone. :D It was delightful. I sat in the front row, and watched the game they played, right as I was enjoying myself, every other kid from the junior high came in, and they sat down quietly while I was asked to join the game.

Yup, improv was grand. The sad part was it ending.. but, we all had to go home.

Waiting for my mom to come and pick me up was an interesting experience. She was late 30 minutes, but I didn't mind.... I was too busy hanging out with the junior high improv boys to care anyway.

We sat on the high school's front lawn and talked. I was the odd woman out in the middle of four dudes, but at least I was participating in conversation, the only person who wasn't was Daniel.. who was totally off in space. I asked him if he was okay and what was on his mind. He said I would find out on my birthday.

WTH?

Oh well, December is wait I have to wait for. Grand.

Maybe If I Close My Eyes I Will Hear My Conscience

Occasionally I get caught up wondering. I lay on my made-up bed and think to myself all the things that have been happening to me.
This is what I have so far:

My old ex is my new best friend
My new ex is my old best friend
My best friend is my new enemy
My new Friend is my old enemy

The less confusing thoughts in my head being:

I relate random parts of my life to music far too often
I am too flirtatious for my own good and the good of others
I may be small but I have a lot to say
I enjoy when guys trip over me

The conclusions to the confusing thoughts being:

I need to stop listening to Fiona Apple and Lady Gaga.
I need to get over these hormones.
I need to wear duct tape or just learn to keep my own secrets.
I need to stop being........ Satan... ?


Oh well, it was worth a shot.
I mean, at least I think about my actions..
Will I try to solve my problems? No, I am far too lazy to even attempt it. Plus I am content with how I am..
Even if what I am is nuts.

His and Hers

Today I ignore my own feelings. His and Hers are the only ones that matter.

Well. I have screwed up royally this time readers. I became friends and flirted with the wrong person.

It started off as just a regular pal-round friendship with Him, but then it got heavy. He kept telling me things that I couldn't shrug off and ignore... and He kept making promises that we both knew he wouldn't keep. He told me his secrets and I told him mine.. Which She did not appreciate in the end of it all.

You see, "She," is His woman, and "I," am some weird limbo gal that screwed some things up...
It is not like I wanted His body or anything... I was just being Me, but... even I have to admit, Me can go too far sometimes.

Moving On

Thinking of the years ahead... Finally becoming apart of the high school, brings a smile to my face.

Thinking of leaving the school I have spent everyday in from 5:50-2:45 makes the tears flow down my cheeks.

I love school. If academics were a drug, then I would be using every second I could! Leaving a school for another though... makes me feel as if I am cheating in a relationship. The junior high I have attended for the past three years is quickly falling behind me, while the high school I am SUPPOSED to be apart of next year takes a new step toward me everyday.

Sure, it'll be a new experience, and an interesting one.. but, it won't have the same students that have been with me since 1st grade nor will it have the same teachers that I have become acquainted with and close to.

(hidden chuckle) Like, for instance, Cal, one of my closest friends since grade school and one of my most powerful crushes since third grade... he's going to a different high school and practically vanishing before my eyes. Getting fainter every time I see him, I hug him while I can, and pray for the promised summer hangouts we have been talking about everyday for the past 3 months.

But on the teachers' part of it.. I will miss all of them (Yes, even the nutty-overly-tanned-English teacher, who corrects every grammar error that I make in my sentences).
I already miss that teacher I had for first period in seventh grade... who seems to be pregnant every year, the drama teacher who has let me get away with everything minus swearing and saying the lord's name in vain, that one algebra teacher who pretends to loathe me- when really she can't take not seeing me every morning (as she wrote in my yearbook), that science teacher I have had for two years (Who is probably the coolest kid in the school), that teacher that I have been with for everything (AKA Brave Beginnings, Summer, TA-ing, English, Cross Country, Stage Crew, Media Productions, and a play), the history teacher with the crooked glasses and sarcastic humor (who has eaten with me every first lunch for two years), that Spanish teacher- who paid me to clean her yard, and last but never letting herself be least my current English teacher... who I just got to know and don't want to part from. I will most certainly miss telling her random truths as she shakes her head at the idea of it all..

I dunno..
I will miss a lotta things..
This is a really crappy ending...
But I will miss it then dream about it
I am too tired.
Swell Dreams

The Fear of Electricity

Sometimes, things are better left unsaid..
Other times, things must be shouted for the fate of not imploding.

Things are scary. Life is scary.

Even the small parts of life can occasionally be scary.
The smallest fear..... being...(thinking space)... holding hands. And, when you become brave enough and defeat that fear it must be yelled to everyone who can hear you.

Like today for example. I may be loud and ostentatious, but the whole relationship starter kit has never been sent to me. haha Let's just say I freak out whenever having that open-door-opportunity to date. Anyway, today was wonderful.

We were watching my now favorite movie, "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs," I know, so romantic right? (Brief chuckle) As we go on.. my arm touched his. As if on que in that very moment the electricity started flowing, and he smiled. Then everything slowed down and he put his hand in mine. It was almost as if the clock in his room was moving backwards.

I let his hand go and the clock went back into its normal rhythmic motion.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

He asked if it were that terrible to hold his hand. I answered no, and held his hand ag...(The clock slows down) aaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Then the clock went back into its normal rhythmic motion.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

My watch's hands moved back and forth every minute or two and his phone's clock had to be reset a couple of times. While he was putting his phone back into order, I had a quick thought.. What if I just kissed him? Right then and there? Would he be against me for it? Would he be happy ab- the movie credits came up.

We were holding hands.



I really need to figure this whole thing out.




But while I do the figuring I'll be holding his hand and shouting to the world that I did it... I let go of my fears!

The Stones and Sticks of Being 5 and 6

It was 1:23am on a Sunday morning.

Running and Playing Pretend

As my feet dashed through the mud of the private property near my house.. I could hear laughing. Why did it sound so familiar? The hidden chuckles propelled me forward.

I jolted by angry rodents and pestered bugs and I saw nothing but the blur that surrounded me. I was running extremely fast, so fast that I don't think my body was ready for the amount of wind surging past my face and rushing through my ears. The stinging in my eyes couldn't take it and immediately started to tear. Not being able to see my surroundings I stumbled, then crashed into the mud that was all over my favorite tennis shoes (It now covered my face and jeans, as also did some minor cuts and bruises. Through the field I had made it into the wood and realized I was probably close enough to see who it was that kept laughing. I was. The joyful laughter stood not 15 feet away, had chopped blond hair and was almost as muddy as me. I recognized him the second I laid my eyes on him.

Seeing the face that I hadn't for two years (days), I sprinted with all might- then well, knocked him over.

This was my best friend! And when he spoke he said the most lovely thing I had heard in ages, "Jane, you're crushing my spine..."
ahem... cough cough... Okay, maybe NOT the LOVELIEST thing I'd ever heard, but it was still him and still his voice.

"I missed you Oskar!" I nearly screamed.
"I missed you too, and I have one question."
"Anything!"
"Why are you still on top of me?"
"Oh yeah... I still am aren't I? Hahaha, well, I can change that." Getting up, feeling disappointed I asked him how he knew I'd be running at this time in the morning. His sarcastic remark made me egg on the importance of playing pretend (Not being shown for profanity).

"Fine.. But, this is the last time Jane, we're getting too old for this..." As he trailed off into the thought of his lines I stared at him patiently, "Um..oh, right. I. Don't. Know. Janet. I. Needed.... Some time to think."

Pretending Over

"Okay Osc, now that our 'hello' is finished what do you want to play? Cops and Robbers? Monsters? Marathon?" I waited expectantly.

"I actually wanted to talk.. My mommy said you were moving today, how come you didn't tell me it was today?"

To tell you the truth I didn't know i was moving that day.. I thought it would be sometime- on a different week, but of course that is what I kept saying to myself every week.

"I didn't know Osk.. I didn't know." My eyes welled up with tears.
"Ah Jane! Are you crying? Really? Come on it's okay! We'll see each other all the time! West Valley isn't that far away from Murray! I can ride my new bike!"

He looked to the ground as if he were trying to figure out how to stop Mt. St. Helens from exploding. Then the most magical thing happened. He kissed my cheek.
"Everything will be okay. Let's play marathon!" and he started running.

Standing shocked I hit myself in the face then started running.

I might've had to leave in 5 hours, but at least I'd always be with Oskar.