Maybe If I Close My Eyes I Will Hear My Conscience

Occasionally I get caught up wondering. I lay on my made-up bed and think to myself all the things that have been happening to me.
This is what I have so far:

My old ex is my new best friend
My new ex is my old best friend
My best friend is my new enemy
My new Friend is my old enemy

The less confusing thoughts in my head being:

I relate random parts of my life to music far too often
I am too flirtatious for my own good and the good of others
I may be small but I have a lot to say
I enjoy when guys trip over me

The conclusions to the confusing thoughts being:

I need to stop listening to Fiona Apple and Lady Gaga.
I need to get over these hormones.
I need to wear duct tape or just learn to keep my own secrets.
I need to stop being........ Satan... ?


Oh well, it was worth a shot.
I mean, at least I think about my actions..
Will I try to solve my problems? No, I am far too lazy to even attempt it. Plus I am content with how I am..
Even if what I am is nuts.

His and Hers

Today I ignore my own feelings. His and Hers are the only ones that matter.

Well. I have screwed up royally this time readers. I became friends and flirted with the wrong person.

It started off as just a regular pal-round friendship with Him, but then it got heavy. He kept telling me things that I couldn't shrug off and ignore... and He kept making promises that we both knew he wouldn't keep. He told me his secrets and I told him mine.. Which She did not appreciate in the end of it all.

You see, "She," is His woman, and "I," am some weird limbo gal that screwed some things up...
It is not like I wanted His body or anything... I was just being Me, but... even I have to admit, Me can go too far sometimes.

Moving On

Thinking of the years ahead... Finally becoming apart of the high school, brings a smile to my face.

Thinking of leaving the school I have spent everyday in from 5:50-2:45 makes the tears flow down my cheeks.

I love school. If academics were a drug, then I would be using every second I could! Leaving a school for another though... makes me feel as if I am cheating in a relationship. The junior high I have attended for the past three years is quickly falling behind me, while the high school I am SUPPOSED to be apart of next year takes a new step toward me everyday.

Sure, it'll be a new experience, and an interesting one.. but, it won't have the same students that have been with me since 1st grade nor will it have the same teachers that I have become acquainted with and close to.

(hidden chuckle) Like, for instance, Cal, one of my closest friends since grade school and one of my most powerful crushes since third grade... he's going to a different high school and practically vanishing before my eyes. Getting fainter every time I see him, I hug him while I can, and pray for the promised summer hangouts we have been talking about everyday for the past 3 months.

But on the teachers' part of it.. I will miss all of them (Yes, even the nutty-overly-tanned-English teacher, who corrects every grammar error that I make in my sentences).
I already miss that teacher I had for first period in seventh grade... who seems to be pregnant every year, the drama teacher who has let me get away with everything minus swearing and saying the lord's name in vain, that one algebra teacher who pretends to loathe me- when really she can't take not seeing me every morning (as she wrote in my yearbook), that science teacher I have had for two years (Who is probably the coolest kid in the school), that teacher that I have been with for everything (AKA Brave Beginnings, Summer, TA-ing, English, Cross Country, Stage Crew, Media Productions, and a play), the history teacher with the crooked glasses and sarcastic humor (who has eaten with me every first lunch for two years), that Spanish teacher- who paid me to clean her yard, and last but never letting herself be least my current English teacher... who I just got to know and don't want to part from. I will most certainly miss telling her random truths as she shakes her head at the idea of it all..

I dunno..
I will miss a lotta things..
This is a really crappy ending...
But I will miss it then dream about it
I am too tired.
Swell Dreams

The Fear of Electricity

Sometimes, things are better left unsaid..
Other times, things must be shouted for the fate of not imploding.

Things are scary. Life is scary.

Even the small parts of life can occasionally be scary.
The smallest fear..... being...(thinking space)... holding hands. And, when you become brave enough and defeat that fear it must be yelled to everyone who can hear you.

Like today for example. I may be loud and ostentatious, but the whole relationship starter kit has never been sent to me. haha Let's just say I freak out whenever having that open-door-opportunity to date. Anyway, today was wonderful.

We were watching my now favorite movie, "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs," I know, so romantic right? (Brief chuckle) As we go on.. my arm touched his. As if on que in that very moment the electricity started flowing, and he smiled. Then everything slowed down and he put his hand in mine. It was almost as if the clock in his room was moving backwards.

I let his hand go and the clock went back into its normal rhythmic motion.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

He asked if it were that terrible to hold his hand. I answered no, and held his hand ag...(The clock slows down) aaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Then the clock went back into its normal rhythmic motion.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

My watch's hands moved back and forth every minute or two and his phone's clock had to be reset a couple of times. While he was putting his phone back into order, I had a quick thought.. What if I just kissed him? Right then and there? Would he be against me for it? Would he be happy ab- the movie credits came up.

We were holding hands.



I really need to figure this whole thing out.




But while I do the figuring I'll be holding his hand and shouting to the world that I did it... I let go of my fears!