Growing up

Growing up takes some serious skill. How most adults make it past the age of twenty gets me every time I think of it.
Even though I don't want to admit it, I am growing up. It seems like as I grow a year, I gain yet another pound of gravity pushing on me, and yet another worry bow to tie onto my fingers.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I have run outta space on my fingers to tie bows.

You see readers, my friend died just recently. Before she could even become a good friend.

This wonderful girl I write of; was crazy, wore strange clothes, had long extensions, and was probably one of the nicest people I have ever met.

She always helped me whenever I needed it, told wild stories of what she did the night before, and one time- she gave me a bracelet.... I still have it.

Yet...

Every memory of her getting hurt in the first place is flooding back to me... I have jumped ship and am sinking.


~___________~

Readers you probably are confused as to why this is called "Growing Up," if she is well, past. It has something to do with the unfairness of it all... For instance, even though I know her death has nothing to do with me.. I wonder why wasn't it me? Why do I get the opportunity to grow up and she doesn't? Why did it have to be her? I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone... but, in my school her getting hurt in the first place was a serious reality check.
Was she the most popular person alive, that everyone knew and liked? No. She wasn't. But, she was still a person. A person, that I knew and liked, a person that didn't deserve all the pain and suffering that was bequeathed on her, a good person- that never would preform a harm on anyone... yet, was thrown into all of harms way.

~___________~

The funny thing is though (I cannot shake it outta my head), like so many other ninth graders, she barely made it through the year... And at the end of it, she let go of everything.
Maybe it is her way of breaking free from the fight...
But I dunno. All I do know is

:( I miss her. I miss the girl I never really got to know who was always smiling and so willing to to give me a bracelet right off her hand.

A Day To Watch Out For ?

Wearing zebra pants, a black shirt, and bow, I set off to the high school across the street. Improv and such was being practiced there, and I hadn't missed a day yet.

I walked into the building, not through the front door, but the side door, and with one blink I knew that three people- boys stood before me.... and two out of three were high as kites.
Giving them their greeting I kept moving, while one of the boys followed me and was repeatedly asking for my number. Not saying a word to him I entered the drama room where improv was being hosted.

I had forgotten about the weirdo that had followed me.

As soon as I entered the drama room I was happily surprised to hear the heys and hellos from everyone. :D It was delightful. I sat in the front row, and watched the game they played, right as I was enjoying myself, every other kid from the junior high came in, and they sat down quietly while I was asked to join the game.

Yup, improv was grand. The sad part was it ending.. but, we all had to go home.

Waiting for my mom to come and pick me up was an interesting experience. She was late 30 minutes, but I didn't mind.... I was too busy hanging out with the junior high improv boys to care anyway.

We sat on the high school's front lawn and talked. I was the odd woman out in the middle of four dudes, but at least I was participating in conversation, the only person who wasn't was Daniel.. who was totally off in space. I asked him if he was okay and what was on his mind. He said I would find out on my birthday.

WTH?

Oh well, December is wait I have to wait for. Grand.

Maybe If I Close My Eyes I Will Hear My Conscience

Occasionally I get caught up wondering. I lay on my made-up bed and think to myself all the things that have been happening to me.
This is what I have so far:

My old ex is my new best friend
My new ex is my old best friend
My best friend is my new enemy
My new Friend is my old enemy

The less confusing thoughts in my head being:

I relate random parts of my life to music far too often
I am too flirtatious for my own good and the good of others
I may be small but I have a lot to say
I enjoy when guys trip over me

The conclusions to the confusing thoughts being:

I need to stop listening to Fiona Apple and Lady Gaga.
I need to get over these hormones.
I need to wear duct tape or just learn to keep my own secrets.
I need to stop being........ Satan... ?


Oh well, it was worth a shot.
I mean, at least I think about my actions..
Will I try to solve my problems? No, I am far too lazy to even attempt it. Plus I am content with how I am..
Even if what I am is nuts.

His and Hers

Today I ignore my own feelings. His and Hers are the only ones that matter.

Well. I have screwed up royally this time readers. I became friends and flirted with the wrong person.

It started off as just a regular pal-round friendship with Him, but then it got heavy. He kept telling me things that I couldn't shrug off and ignore... and He kept making promises that we both knew he wouldn't keep. He told me his secrets and I told him mine.. Which She did not appreciate in the end of it all.

You see, "She," is His woman, and "I," am some weird limbo gal that screwed some things up...
It is not like I wanted His body or anything... I was just being Me, but... even I have to admit, Me can go too far sometimes.

Moving On

Thinking of the years ahead... Finally becoming apart of the high school, brings a smile to my face.

Thinking of leaving the school I have spent everyday in from 5:50-2:45 makes the tears flow down my cheeks.

I love school. If academics were a drug, then I would be using every second I could! Leaving a school for another though... makes me feel as if I am cheating in a relationship. The junior high I have attended for the past three years is quickly falling behind me, while the high school I am SUPPOSED to be apart of next year takes a new step toward me everyday.

Sure, it'll be a new experience, and an interesting one.. but, it won't have the same students that have been with me since 1st grade nor will it have the same teachers that I have become acquainted with and close to.

(hidden chuckle) Like, for instance, Cal, one of my closest friends since grade school and one of my most powerful crushes since third grade... he's going to a different high school and practically vanishing before my eyes. Getting fainter every time I see him, I hug him while I can, and pray for the promised summer hangouts we have been talking about everyday for the past 3 months.

But on the teachers' part of it.. I will miss all of them (Yes, even the nutty-overly-tanned-English teacher, who corrects every grammar error that I make in my sentences).
I already miss that teacher I had for first period in seventh grade... who seems to be pregnant every year, the drama teacher who has let me get away with everything minus swearing and saying the lord's name in vain, that one algebra teacher who pretends to loathe me- when really she can't take not seeing me every morning (as she wrote in my yearbook), that science teacher I have had for two years (Who is probably the coolest kid in the school), that teacher that I have been with for everything (AKA Brave Beginnings, Summer, TA-ing, English, Cross Country, Stage Crew, Media Productions, and a play), the history teacher with the crooked glasses and sarcastic humor (who has eaten with me every first lunch for two years), that Spanish teacher- who paid me to clean her yard, and last but never letting herself be least my current English teacher... who I just got to know and don't want to part from. I will most certainly miss telling her random truths as she shakes her head at the idea of it all..

I dunno..
I will miss a lotta things..
This is a really crappy ending...
But I will miss it then dream about it
I am too tired.
Swell Dreams

The Fear of Electricity

Sometimes, things are better left unsaid..
Other times, things must be shouted for the fate of not imploding.

Things are scary. Life is scary.

Even the small parts of life can occasionally be scary.
The smallest fear..... being...(thinking space)... holding hands. And, when you become brave enough and defeat that fear it must be yelled to everyone who can hear you.

Like today for example. I may be loud and ostentatious, but the whole relationship starter kit has never been sent to me. haha Let's just say I freak out whenever having that open-door-opportunity to date. Anyway, today was wonderful.

We were watching my now favorite movie, "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs," I know, so romantic right? (Brief chuckle) As we go on.. my arm touched his. As if on que in that very moment the electricity started flowing, and he smiled. Then everything slowed down and he put his hand in mine. It was almost as if the clock in his room was moving backwards.

I let his hand go and the clock went back into its normal rhythmic motion.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

He asked if it were that terrible to hold his hand. I answered no, and held his hand ag...(The clock slows down) aaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Then the clock went back into its normal rhythmic motion.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

My watch's hands moved back and forth every minute or two and his phone's clock had to be reset a couple of times. While he was putting his phone back into order, I had a quick thought.. What if I just kissed him? Right then and there? Would he be against me for it? Would he be happy ab- the movie credits came up.

We were holding hands.



I really need to figure this whole thing out.




But while I do the figuring I'll be holding his hand and shouting to the world that I did it... I let go of my fears!

The Stones and Sticks of Being 5 and 6

It was 1:23am on a Sunday morning.

Running and Playing Pretend

As my feet dashed through the mud of the private property near my house.. I could hear laughing. Why did it sound so familiar? The hidden chuckles propelled me forward.

I jolted by angry rodents and pestered bugs and I saw nothing but the blur that surrounded me. I was running extremely fast, so fast that I don't think my body was ready for the amount of wind surging past my face and rushing through my ears. The stinging in my eyes couldn't take it and immediately started to tear. Not being able to see my surroundings I stumbled, then crashed into the mud that was all over my favorite tennis shoes (It now covered my face and jeans, as also did some minor cuts and bruises. Through the field I had made it into the wood and realized I was probably close enough to see who it was that kept laughing. I was. The joyful laughter stood not 15 feet away, had chopped blond hair and was almost as muddy as me. I recognized him the second I laid my eyes on him.

Seeing the face that I hadn't for two years (days), I sprinted with all might- then well, knocked him over.

This was my best friend! And when he spoke he said the most lovely thing I had heard in ages, "Jane, you're crushing my spine..."
ahem... cough cough... Okay, maybe NOT the LOVELIEST thing I'd ever heard, but it was still him and still his voice.

"I missed you Oskar!" I nearly screamed.
"I missed you too, and I have one question."
"Anything!"
"Why are you still on top of me?"
"Oh yeah... I still am aren't I? Hahaha, well, I can change that." Getting up, feeling disappointed I asked him how he knew I'd be running at this time in the morning. His sarcastic remark made me egg on the importance of playing pretend (Not being shown for profanity).

"Fine.. But, this is the last time Jane, we're getting too old for this..." As he trailed off into the thought of his lines I stared at him patiently, "Um..oh, right. I. Don't. Know. Janet. I. Needed.... Some time to think."

Pretending Over

"Okay Osc, now that our 'hello' is finished what do you want to play? Cops and Robbers? Monsters? Marathon?" I waited expectantly.

"I actually wanted to talk.. My mommy said you were moving today, how come you didn't tell me it was today?"

To tell you the truth I didn't know i was moving that day.. I thought it would be sometime- on a different week, but of course that is what I kept saying to myself every week.

"I didn't know Osk.. I didn't know." My eyes welled up with tears.
"Ah Jane! Are you crying? Really? Come on it's okay! We'll see each other all the time! West Valley isn't that far away from Murray! I can ride my new bike!"

He looked to the ground as if he were trying to figure out how to stop Mt. St. Helens from exploding. Then the most magical thing happened. He kissed my cheek.
"Everything will be okay. Let's play marathon!" and he started running.

Standing shocked I hit myself in the face then started running.

I might've had to leave in 5 hours, but at least I'd always be with Oskar.

Mini Shorts and Converse

SUMMER ROMANCE.

Now, I know as I type this that you are immediately thinking of "Grease," the musical. Let's just say this ain't nothin' close to that old movie, nor will it ever be found in the return box at the regular Blockbuster down the street. No, NO, this messy summer romance is MY actual one, and nervously I will type it to you. (Just so everyone/anyone who is reading this knows, my friend Kylie suggested I write this, so all props go to her for making me have the courage to do it!)


I had already dated the kid. Nuff said and done, I didn't want him back, until of course, I was scheduled to hang out with friends at the Copper Hills Park. I'll never forget that lovely sunny day when my sister pulled past the kids I was supposed to hang out with, and I jumped outta her car while it was still moving, plummeting to the road, scuffing my knees and dirtying my new mini shorts.

I just wanted to be with my friends (Can't drive, so this was possibly the only time I would see them), tripping over myself as my sister bellowed angrily at my stunted move, I had finally made it over to the group of people I had been cleaning my house for all morning.

There they stood in their circle, Megs with her short dyed hair and radiant features, Bri with her lovely voice and angry eyes as her sister made a fool of herself, Zach with his big nose and perfect build, Shay with her long hair, K.c with his awkward looks at Bri (who was attracted to him at the time), and then the was Church.. who I oddly was not told was going to be there.

Church would be the Ex I was telling you about in the previous paragraphs. Yuppers, he's the one I've been going gaga over since seventh grade. The normal explanation of this kid is he stands 6'1, has brown eyes, brown hair, a large nose, braces, and really big feet. My Summer explanation of him is he's my knight in faded red Converse, with the perfect sized Hershey eyes that are framed with long butterfly wings, and his smile could break down any wall-especially the ones I built to save myself from these worthless teenage hormones I knew were pointed right in his direction. (bleh)

I know, it's sick I even wrote that, but c'mon I DID tell Kylie I would write it.

Anyway, as soon as I saw my friends I immediately hugged them all and took my place next to K.c. We hung out like this for what seemed to be every week.. and Church and I got into a bigger mess it seemed everyday.

One of these days lead to what I call now, "The Great Day That Fated Disaster." This day consisted of all of our friends having to leave because of previous engagements, unpaid groundings, and babysitting appointments- which let the ex and I to have too much time alone together. We sat in the baseball field and talked- the subject mostly being, "Why Aren't We Dating Anymore?" We went on a walk in the park after a scary call from his mother.. One thing followed the next and we were kissing. Then he left. (Sorry for not a lot of details- personal business)

July third hit, we were dating again, and EVERYTHING was right in the world.

THEN

The clock was ticking, summer itself was ending faster then it was supposed to, and as if the clock's hands were just oiled EVERYTHING moved by way too fast.

SCHOOL STARTS

EVERYTHING still seems to be perfect. Nothing wrong as far as I'm concerned. Church joined the school play and got the lead role, I joined Cross Country, we were having fun being active with our school activities.

QUESTIONS

A Cross Country practice had ended, I walked into the play practice to say hi and my friend was with Church.

Play practice ends.

NEXT DAY

I ask if he liked the friend that was with him, he said no...
The clock strikes twelve.

LUNCH

I'm single.

NEXT DAY

I'm not very happy... to say the least.. :) haha
He tells me he still likes me
and
we leave a bigger mess then Summer could have hoped...

NEXT MONTH

Church dance night.
My friends all tell about the big mistake I was making by trying to be with him, and then they all admit to liking him.

NOW

The Summer Romance that had started off so perfect then, almost too quickly ended in disaster.
No, I didn't enjoy watching him walk away (once again wearing the red Converse I adored so much), but what else was supposed to happen? It's Junior High. It's not like we were going to get married or anything.

:D

Those Moments

There will always be those days. The days where you see that one hot jogger and then crash your bike into a tree. The days when you're walking in the hallway and the beautiful new kid flips their hair as you blindly run into a locker, then (as if it were planned you..) collapse into the nearest garbage can.

THOSE days have happened to everyone.

But, there are also those other days, when you're fixing your crashed bike and look up to rub the perspiration off your forehead, when you see that one hot jogger- and smile.. then frown quickly as her boyfriend comes running behind her.

The other days when the beautiful new kid comes up to help you out of the can, and you smell as if you washed with yesterday's meatloaf and a dirty sock.

Yuppers, everyone has those days, but it's up to the person living them to make them their own. Sure, it doesn't always come out as Hollywood as you want it to, but as least it's not as predictable!

The Role Model: Example?

I've never thought about myself as someone people would look up to. Why would they, if I do stupid things like everyone else? I'm not anyone entirely poetic and wise or really pretty and busty, I'm just a dinky, dorky, bubbly teenage girl with black-banded braces and old-man glasses.

So, with these thoughts of what a role model SHOULD be... compared to how I am, you can understand my surprise when a younger friend of mine asked me to have a sleepover with her. She told me that she knew I was a popular person at the school I attend, and if I didn't want to hang out with her she would understand. "Woah," Is the only thought I could have at this point. I totally like this girl, and she really wanted me to accept her invitation to have a sleepover together. It made me feel like a complete jerk when said she thought she wasn't as great as me and that I could blow her off because of it.

I don't ever want to be that person, the person she was explaining, and if she DOES think of me as just, then why in the world is she looking up to me?

The second strangest person beside myself, is the one who has a crush on me

Awkward moments can happen anywhere at any time.

Kissing the girl you like on the cheek for the first time and missing, is just one example of an awkward moment.


Being the crazy gal I am, I went to a mixed sexed party tonight, to celebrate the final four loss of the academic team I was apart of! It was grand , with the nerdy boys I'm attracted to running around everywhere, I never felt more alive. Well, maybe- I mean, there WAS that one time... Anyway, back to my awkward moment example. One particular boy on the teem enjoys my body (if ya know what I mean), we hung out the whole shindig, then at the end of the night he tried to bribe a six-year-old to go up to me and kiss me on the cheek, so he could follow secondly. This I did not know, but I overheard the words "I betcha ten bucks!" Assuming this was something I could participate in I asked the girl next to me what they were betting on. She said something about kissing someone on the teem so I immediately kissed my fellow academic teem member on the cheek without hesitation, while the six-year-old blushed by realizing he was next up to peck at a teem member. As this was all going on in slow motion, the boy that likes me a little too much was moving in fast motion and ended up glossing the left lense of my goggled glasses. He ended up trying again after I voluntarily pecked his cheek,

.... And I have yet to stop smiling. :D

Pure Excitement

Wow! I have a blog! This is nutso man! --And a whole 'notha reason to be on the internet addicted to random websites (including Facebook, Myyearbook, and Myspace). Where to start.... (the gears are a turning!